sex therapy

A Call with the Quean: How A Canadian Cuckqueen Is Challenging Perceptions of Sex Worldwide

*a version of this piece was published on lwos.LIFE before being removed after being flagged by Google AdSense. It was edited by Austin Zook of lwos.LIFE.

If you asked me almost six years ago when I first moved to New York, one of the most diverse and liberated meccas of the world, if I had any interest in exploring sex and sexuality—my own, or as a general topic, I would have laughed and referenced what I thought was my perfect relationship at the time. I was in love with a boy who had followed me to the city and living what I thought was my happiest and most enlightened existence. After that breakup and a bit of an exploratory period, I’ve found myself a lot more well-rounded and curious. I’ve always considered myself a very open and free spirited person. And then I meet people like Quean Mo, and realize how much more exploring there is to do.

Now, I’m not saying that my interview with the Quean, a sex coach, blogger, and self-described submissive in a semi-open BDSM-based marriage with her dom talked me into a lifestyle change of my own. But it certainly showed me another side of sexuality through a world that I’ve read about in books and seen in biased reality television programs. Mo’s travels with her Master J have not only awakened her inner self in ways she never thought were possible, but have also inspired her to become certified in Loveology, sharing her experiences with her public, and educating the world on intricacies of sexuality that we are very likely missing out on.

Canadian Cuck Quean Mo is Using Her Platform to De-Stigmatize Sex, From Traditional Education to BDSM

From Canada to France, and Beyond

“’Quean’ comes from ‘cuckquean,’ which is what I am, essentially. It’s an old-school form of how to spell ‘queen’ as well, but it’s basically a woman who enjoys watching her partner have sex with other women. I think it’s a nifty name. I mean, who doesn’t like to be a queen?”

Mo and her master, who also just took on the title of husband when the couple wed in France this summer, live in Ontario, where Mo is attending sexologist Dr. Ava Cadell’s Loveologist Certification Program. She skypes me from her car in the parking lot of an appointment she is about to attend, but assures me that she’ll give me all the time that I need to unpack her lifestyle and teachings. There’s so much to discuss. She’s been on the road for the last year, traveling Europe with her Frenchman.

I ask what her favorite place to see was when she was across the pond. “Venice, one thousand percent. People say Paris is romantic. I’ve been to Paris several times. Nothing comes close to Venice. The little islands, it’s just amazing. I am a music junkie. I love music. I love music vessels. Anything where there’s music. And in Saint Mark’s Square, they’re constantly playing the classical music and covers, and we’re just dancing in the middle of the square, and I’ve never had a feeling like that before in any other city. And let’s not even get started on the food.”

Beginnings: A Sexual Adolescence

On her blog, Call of the Quean, Mo discusses her travels and experiences, both traditional and otherwise, in depth. She uses that outlet as a roadmap of her journey into cuckqueaning, but frequently discusses the moments of her upbringing that led her to the lifestyle.

“I was always a hyper-sexual kid, like straight up, I was masturbating by the time I could walk. I was humping everything in the house. My mom took me to the doctor and was like ‘We’re just a little concerned,’ and luckily my doctor was like ‘It’s normal, she’s discovering herself.’ They just told me if I started doing stuff to ‘go do that on your own.’ That just removed so much shame that people are already experiencing when they’re young. I remember my mom telling me a story, I can’t remember if she had been masturbating, and she was like four, and she remembered being like, ‘Oh, this feels good,’ and her mom saying, ‘You stop that, that’s dirty.’ She used the word dirty, which automatically shamed her. So I was very lucky to grow up in a household where shame wasn’t. My parents never insulted us. They were very careful about how they spoke to us. They never teased us. They always encouraged us.”

She’s openly discussed losing her virginity at the young age of fourteen. I asked her what about that experience prompted her to continue her sexual journey. She describes the day as empowering. “I’m just a natural people-pleaser, and when I saw his reaction to it and then how I felt, I was just like, ‘Yep, I just discovered something real good here.’” That’s a lot coming from a young woman who drew straws with her partner to decide who was going to be on top. And yes, she drew the short one. From there, the act of sex just felt natural to her.

Growing Pains

Sex was easy, and she planted the standard with her family and friends very early in life that it was a topic that would always be on the table. Her father found some racy journals in her room at a very young age, detailing sexuality, and he was nothing but supportive of her desire to write about such a stigmatized issue. For that, she was lucky.

But every journey has its hurdles. After a toxic relationship with a partner, during which she suffered bulimia and issues with self-esteem and confidence in experiencing pleasure, Mo had some serious soul-searching to do. During that period, she met Master J, her soulmate, who gave her the confidence she needed to open her world. “Nobody needs someone in their life. You don’t need someone in your life to open those doors for you, I’ve always said try to do it for yourself, but I truly believe in that way that he was one of the first people that came into my life and stepped back and said, ‘I’m gonna watch you grow. You grow the way that you need to grow, and I’m here whenever you need me.’” Two months after meeting him, she went to his homeland of France and found out what it is to let go.

Feminism in Humiliation

In her new book Untrue, Wednesday Martin explores the sexual theories surrounding infidelity, and how “new science can set us free.” Through interviews with psychologists, sexologists, anthropologists, and the women we know in everyday life, Martin unpacks the history of and reasons behind infidelity through constructs such as polygamy, feminism, and the simple ideas surrounding sexual freedom. It’s a sexy topic that is brought to life through less sexy and often hurtful experiences.

The book made me think a lot about jealousy, and how being “untrue,” or even in a functioning relationship based on a construct of openness can work. Mo explains that she would not have considered this lifestyle were it not for her specific partner, citing a history of possessiveness, and her awakening towards a world where she can derive pleasure from the experience of additional people in her sex life. For Master J, it is all about the female experience. He reads her blog loyally and enjoys hearing her side of their experiences through that medium so that he can better understand her perspective. “He said that his ideal night would be not even sex, just sitting with a group of women and hearing what they have to say about their experiences and their fantasies.” I ask her if she has an “ideal night” of her own. She says she has plenty, everchanging. “If you’re talking sex, I wrote about a humiliation night because I discovered that I’m more into humiliation than pain, even if I like pain at a certain point. And we spent a whole night focused on that.”

I’m now thinking about my own sexual humiliations. How could a person enjoy being humiliated the ultimate goal is orgasm? While BDSM can have its obvious merits and turn-ons, I was having a hard time seeing how being a constant submissive could be an empowering thing. Of course, the concept goes a lot deeper than my experience or imagination can take me without her help.

“There’s a thing called Dom Space and a thing called Sub Space, and being a submissive, Sub Space for me is literally getting to this mode where I feel like I’m high. I have this body high, and I feel like I’m on the ceiling. If someone were to try to have a conversation with me, they would think I was on drugs. And for Master J as a Dom, he has to be super hyper-aware of me during that, because he needs to make sure that everything is ok all the time. He’s the one in control. He has to check in, and giving that trust to someone, but also being able to let go like that is such a liberating feeling because a lot of women really have trouble letting go. And by giving myself up to him, in those moments, my body is now his responsibility and I’m no longer in my head anymore. I’m in my body and I’m feeling these things. And being able to own that, and letting him take care of my pleasure even if technically I am by letting go, to me it’s a beautiful thing.”

Sex Ed: Bigger than Books

Quean Mo talks to me about orgasm gap, and how women tend to have a third of the orgasmic experiences that men do. This leads us into a conversation about sexual education, which is obviously highly flawed and/or lacking in schools all over North America and other developed areas. But sex education goes beyond schools, and so much can be learned from the simple act of exploring one’s own body. “A lot of women don’t know themselves sexually and haven’t given themselves time to explore themselves the way men do. For men, their penis is on the outside of them. They literally have to hold their penis to pee. They’re constantly touching it. And they start masturbating at an age where girls, because everything is inside or tucked away, we don’t have the same access. I just learned two years ago what the structure of the clitoris looked like, and how it’s actually underneath the skin, and looks like this little bird, and it’s this beautiful thing.

Women have pain during sex, and I know there are diagnoses for vaginitis dyspareunia and medical conditions, but research is showing more and more that a lot of it is psychological, because you’re blocked. The woman and her partner don’t know her anatomy enough to warm her up enough for her to receive penetration. And because we live in this patriarchal society, when we think about sex, we think about penal-vagina contact, which is not what sex is. It’s one part of it. Men and women have the same amount of erectile tissue, but women take about 35-40 minutes for it to become completely engorged. I would like to see a man who’s not fully engorged try to have sex. That’s gonna hurt.”

It’s really a very simple concept—learning one’s pleasure abilities. And it’s sensible that lack of communication and awareness causes strain in relationships, both inside and outside of the bedroom. So many people, notoriously women, struggle with their libido and keeping a sexual desire that matches the needs of their partner/s. Mo suggests several ways to combat that, including games and leaving fun notes erotic notes for partners, but for her it ultimately comes down to an awareness of what feels good, and keeping the conversation open.

Natural Desires

In her practice, Mo anticipated a primarily female clientele with issues similar to her own former ones regarding sexual awakening. She was surprised that her clients are mostly male, and have given her new challenging topics to tackle, namely fetishization. “Most people just want to know that they’re normal; that they’re not a freak,” she says. “There are three levels of a fetish. There’s ‘optional,’ which could be your average joe who says, ‘I could do that. I don’t need it, but I could do it.’ And then there’s the second level which is ‘preferred,’ which means that they don’t need it for sexual gratification, but if they have the option to do it they will always choose that. And then there’s ‘exclusive,’ which means the person needs this thing for sexual gratification.

For instance, I have one gentleman who I’m working with who is heterosexual and identifies as male, and he is an exclusive foot fetishist, which means that he needs feet to be involved in order to have an orgasm. He does not like penetrative sex; for him, it’s not enjoyable because it has nothing to do with the feet. But I find the one thing we work on is boundaries, and the idea that you can’t just pick up anybody’s shoes, because even though it’s an object, it still belongs to someone, which makes it a consent thing. You have to make sure that the person is aware that you’re using their items. You learn as you go with each person, and for him, I never would have thought about that.”

Mo is enjoying her studies and excited to use her knowledge in her practice and in the classroom to expand on a much broader journey of sexual education. In 2019, she and Master J will embark on a year-long road trip across North America to visit as many sex clubs and attend as many events and conferences as possible. The planning has already begun, and she’s been setting up interviews with people in the sex work industry and plotting their path. She hopes to create a comprehensive sex tourism guide from the trip, but she wants her book to go deeper than the fun aspects of sexuality. She wants to deepen the topic and help open up the world, and her populace, to a discussion of sex.

“Because sex is already a taboo subject, any type of fetish is viewed as a paraphilia, and quite stigmatized. This causes suppression of natural desires, which is dangerous as it manifests and leads to anxiety, depression, self-harm, and the harming of others. We all have our own histories with shame and guilt, and my goal is to dilute it by granting people the permission they are seeking, as well as offering facts about human sexuality. With all the heat surrounding women’s rights right now, I think [politics and feminism] are crucial subjects to be able to articulate. I absolutely want to be a part (even if a small part) of this larger movement in sexual liberation, as I believe sexuality is the foundation: we literally come from sex!”

What’s Normal for the Spider is Chaos for the Fly

I ask the Quean if she’s read anything good recently, and she cites a book called Come As You Are, by Emily Nagoski. “One thing she repeats throughout the book is that we all have the same parts, they’re just organized in different ways.” She herself repeats the phrase again, almost as a mantra or meditation. “To quote Morticia Addams, ‘What is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly.’ There’s literally no such thing as normal. As long as it is consensual, just do what you want to do. Have a blast. It’s sex. You were given these pleasure zones for a reason. If it brings you pleasure and it checks all those boxes, just f***ing do it. I think the thing that people don’t think about is that it’s literally a part of your well-being.”

Now that Mo has been liberated, she’s on a mission to spread the how-to to the world, and it all starts with conversation, and the opening up of a very stigmatized topic. Thankfully, Mo is so open about sharing her experiences and keeping the education simplistic and accessible within the standards of consented pleasure. And she’ll continue to spread this message through her travels and her media platforms, and interviews like the one she was so kind to give me. Even if her car gets hit mid-call (it did, and no, she did not budge).

Update: The Quean has posted her first fundraiser for her trip across North America! Please consider donating here!